The Epic Escape Attempt of the Marauders
by DeathandJunkfood
Summary: Ever since the Trolley Witch in Cursed Child mentioned that 'Sirius Black and his cronies' had tried to escape the Hogwarts Express before, I've wanted to write this. The Marauders (Sirius and James, to be exact) have decided to escape the Hogwarts Express, just to 'see if they can'. Of course, they run into the Trolley Witch... And they don't fare too well. Ficlet


**Disclaimer... I do not own Harry Potter**

"James. Sirius" Remus said calmly, trailing the two boys down the corridor of the Hogwarts Express. Calmness was key. It wouldn't do to go getting all agitated. He had to lull them into a false sense of security.

"Remus" James replied, equally composed.

" _Why_ exactly, are you going to try to escape from the train?"

Remus sighed when he saw Sirius's smirk, teeth shockingly white against his messy black hair.

"Why not?" he asked, "apparently no one's ever done it before. Says there's some sort of powerful magic protecting the students aboard"

Remus sighed again, and considered his surroundings. The train was all softly varnished wood and crimson upholstery. Outside it was raining. He really didn't want to go outside.

"What about Peter?" he tried to stall.

"He's off talking to that Marigold girl, from Hufflepuff. The one he fancies"

"Won't he be mad if we leave him?"  
"We'll come back"

James and Sirius continued, ducking into an empty compartment and fixing Remus with identical stubborn smiles.

"Are you coming?" Sirius asked.

Remus made a face. Of course he was coming.

"Of course I'm coming"

With a lazy flick of his wand, James directed the window to open wide, and stuck his head out into the downpour. He pulled back, looking thoroughly bedraggled.

"It's really bucketing out there"

"Makes it more fun" Sirius pointed out, and hoisted himself out the window. A moment later, his hand appeared, hard to see in the gloom, and waved cheerfully. James grinned, and followed. Cursing under his breath, Remus pulled himself out the window and on to the roof of the train.

The three boys perched on top of the train, the freezing rain soaking their robes instantly and flattening their hair until they all resembled unhappy cats.

"Bloody _hell_ it's cold" James yelped, shoving his glasses up his nose.

Sirius stood carefully and peered into the gloom.

"I think there's a little hill in a bit. We'll jump, yeah? Remus, your Cushioning Charm is the best, you do the landing"

Remus fumbled his wand from his robes, and stood.

He noticed James squinting, and nudged his friend. "Something the matter, James?"

"I think I see someone! On top of the train! Who'd be out in weather like this?"

"Well, we are" Sirius pointed out.

"Clearly" Remus said, "we're idiots. Who does the person look like, James?"

James squinted some more, and Remus and Sirius followed suit. It was a dumpy little figure, towing a metal contraption. It looked suspiciously like the Trolley Witch.

"I think-" Sirius said slowly, still peering ahead of him, "I think it's the Trolley Witch"

She trundled up, apparently perfectly at ease on top of the moving train, and waved at them.

"Anything off the trolley, dears? Drooble's Best Blowing Gum? Fizzing Whizzbees? Cauldron Cakes?"

"No thanks" Remus said weakly.

The witch appeared perfectly dry, the contents of her trolley untouched by the weather.

She moved towards them, still smiling eerily.

"Well, if you don't want anything off the trolley, you better _get back in the train_ "

Every word was punctuated by a step towards them, and the trio hastily moved backwards, fighting to keep their balance atop the train.

"Who are you?" James asked, grabbing a fistful of Sirius's robes quickly as his friend windmilled his arms, caught by a gust of wind.

"I don't know" the witch said, sounding almost sad. "I don't remember the last time someone's asked my name"

"But" she continued, cheering up, "I do know that I was employed by Ottoline Gambol, and I do know that I'M NOT TO LET ANYONE OFF THIS TRAIN"

The three boys ducked as she plucked a packet of chewing gum of the trolley, and hurled it at them.

It expanded in mid-air, separating into three huge blue bubbles of chewing gum. The orbs flew straight at the boys.

James made an undignified sound as he flung up his hands to protect his hair. Sirius was only able to snicker for a second before the bubble gum was on him, sticking his hands to his sides and tangling him up very effectively.

Remus dodged his, ducking under it as it flew at him. It zipped down the length of the train, and disappeared from view.

The witch smiled at him, reaching into the trolley. Her hands appeared to be elongating into sharp spikes.

"James, I blame you for this!" Sirius howled from his sticky prison, glaring up at his friend.

"So you don't like bubble gum. What about liquorice wands?"

Using the sweets like darts, she flung one after another at James and Remus.

The wands speared the fabric of their robes, knocking them back and pinning them to the roof of the train.

The two boys were stuck to the train, next to Sirius who was thrashing around, trying to break free of the gum.

"Back in the train you go!" the witch cooed, plucking up Sirius and leaning down to toss him through the window.

James spat out a mouthful of rainwater, scowling furiously as the witch grabbed him and Remus.

A few seconds later, they were back in their compartment, soaked to the bone. Sirius was still trapped in bubble gum, and Remus hid a smile as he pulled out his wand, pointing it at Sirius.

" _Tergeo_ "

Most of the bubble gum disappeared, with only a few bits stuck in his hair as a bright blue reminder not to mess with the trolley witch.

"Well" Remus said, faux cheerfully, "that was fun"

"Shut up Remus" James said, plucking at his damp robes.

"I'm never doing that again" Sirius said, "I'll find other stuff to do"

"Oh!" James brightened, "can we try to dye Flitwick's hair pink this year?"

"Sure"

"I found a spell that'll make it impossible to get the dye out" Remus chimed in, and his friends smiled.

"Guess we're going back to Hogwarts"

 **A.N. Thank you for reading! Ever since I read Cursed Child and the Trolley Witch talked about how 'Sirius Black and his cronies' had tried to escape the train before, I wanted to write this. I was kind of at a loss as to how the Albus and Scorpius, who are two of the cutest lil dorks you'll ever see, had succeeded where the Marauders failed. Anyways, hope you enjoyed, and pretty please review!**


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